This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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