I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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