i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
