It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
