God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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