I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
