The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
