Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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