I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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