Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
