i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
