I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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