On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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