Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
