Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
