I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
