god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Randomize
