He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
