Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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