You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
