No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
