even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
