I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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