hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
