True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
