i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
