I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize