Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Houston, we have a squirter
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
