Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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