Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
