I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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