The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
