According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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