Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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