You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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