you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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