Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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