so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
