he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
