note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
