Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
