Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
