I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
