no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
