I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
