What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I want you more than these girls want KFC
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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