my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
