**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Another day, another engagement, another cat
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
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