Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
