i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
