we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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