I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
