Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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